I was too busy wiping mustard-colored feces off my 3-month-old’s delightfully chubby legs and screaming at my 6-year-old to stop throwing rocks at his 10-year-old brother, to give my full attention to Chappell Roan’s remarks on the “Call Her Daddy” podcast that all her friends who are mothers are miserable.
I was too busy wiping feces off my 3-month-old’s legs to give my full attention to Chappell Roan’s remarks that all her friends who are mothers are miserable.
The 27-year-old pop star told host Alex Cooper that she’s not sure she wants to be a mother because “All of my friends who have kids are in hell.” She continued: “I don’t know anyone, I actually don’t know anyone, who is happy and has children at this age. Like, a 1-year-old, like 3-year old — 4 and under, 5 and under. I literally have not met anyone who is happy, anyone who has, like, light in their eyes. Anyone who has slept.”
I became aware of Roan’s comments in the dead of night, while I was doom scrolling and breastfeeding my daughter for what felt like the gazillionth time. My doom scrolling gave way to me reading responses from moms angry at Roan. “Having children is a blessing, not a burden,” Evie Magazine posted on Instagram, and the comments from mothers who disagreed with Roan ranged from “I don’t know what she’s talking about” to “having kids is absolute bliss” to various iterations of “she’s not a mom, so what does she know?”
Mothers are not a monolith, and I cannot speak for every procreating parent with kids under 10 attached to their legs. But as I sit here having not showered in three days, wearing sweats covered with spit-up, attempting to write this column while my daughter uses my nipple as a chew toy, I can confidently say: Roan’s right. Most moms are miserable.
We’re sleep deprived and stressed and dead-eyed not just because raising another human being is hard work, but also because of where we are raising our children — in a country that only pays lip service to mothers and nothing more. Some of us live in states, like Roan’s native Missouri, that are especially hostile to women and mothers.
There’s no wonder why Roan would see young mothers in her home state struggling. Missouri, like many so-called “red states,” ranks as one of the worst states in the country for women’s health and reproductive care.
Regardless of which state we live in, we’re generally raising our children without mandated parental leave or universal free lunch or even the simple promise that motherhood will remain a choice and not a punishment mandated by the government.
In 33 states, day care costs more than college tuition. In 17 states and the District of Columbia, child care costs more than rent. Congress has shut down universal pre-K and universal child care initiatives, and the Trump administration has frozen funds for Head Start programs and fired many of the employees responsible for keeping early education programs afloat.
Many of us are forced to return to work just two weeks after giving birth to jobs that pay us less than what our male counterparts get.
Many of us are forced to return to work just two weeks after giving birth to jobs that pay us less than what our male counterparts get — because in this country, employers treat fatherhood as proof a man’s responsible and treat motherhood as proof a woman will be distracted. Others are simply forced to quit their jobs entirely, forgoing their own dreams and career goals for the sake of their families. In 2023, a survey of 3,000 working mothers with children under 4 found that 1 in 10 moms walked away from their jobs and that twice as many moms at least considered it.
We moms with school-age children are trying to find time to help our kids catch up in math, science, reading and writing while they’re enthusiastically detailing their latest active shooter drill.
We’re doing all of this while still handling the majority of the household responsibilities and shouldering most of the unpaid emotional labor of parenthood. But if we speak candidly about how hard any of this is, we’re told we’re ungrateful, inadequate parents who had no business having a child.
Look: Children are demanding by design. The majority of parents with kids under 5 say parenting is stressful most of the time. Yet to say this out loud is a faux pas, precisely because expressing our misery exposes the awful job our country does supporting mothers.
Now, this is usually the part where I say that despite it all, I love being a mother and I love my children — the necessary caveat meant to shield all moms from the very backlash Roan has received. But what if we all assume that it’s a given that mothers love their children, and focus on the fact that no matter how loving they are, they’re still miserable.
A 27-year-old childless pop star can see it. Our unfiltered mom group chats reveal it. Countless studies quantify it. Our politicians undoubtedly know it. Any mirror I look at proves it.
So why don’t we all stop getting mad at the people who acknowledge how hard it is, and start demanding those in power do something to make it easier?
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